Genuine FTW!!! (For The Win)

So someone brought this article to my attention which spurred an interesting conversation about one of my favorite topics - the dysfunctional dating rituals of men and women.

Before I continue, let me just paste the text from the article below:

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Dating Secrets Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
By April Masini

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?

Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.

First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.

Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.

What I'm suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.

Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.

Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.

The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.


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But do either parties really understand the underlying concept behind this?

Is it as Freud tried to explain - because women by nature are 'submissive' and are supposed to gravitate towards a guy who mistreats them as being worthless?

Does a guy then go deviate away from his true self to mistreat a woman because it shows that he is confident?

What is being interpreted as mistreatment anyway? Is mistreatment the capacity to say no to doing something someone is genuinely not interested in?

Does ignoring your true expectations to put on a mask of being "nice" give someone leverage over the situation? Does it oblige the other party into compromising and agreeing? Isn't this then just another form of exerting control as subtle as it is?

Now a response to this article that someone made...which is awesome was

"Expecting a woman to fuck you because you're a nice guy is like expecting a bear not to eat you because you're a vegetarian."

This article was actually a pretty controversial article in my mind because it is so half-baked. Though it brought up a few good points which I agree with, it's too bad that this "exposing insight" frames the entire fault here as being on the guy who is being nice. It fails to mention and clarify a few other points.

Being nice if you are being genuine about it is not a problem. Of course, if you are being genuine, then you most likely are not always a goody goody nice person all the time. There tends to be a balance.

To me, this article ought to have highlighted and explained more about having a genuine sense of self, knowing what you want, adhering to it and not settling for anything less. If you are willing to let someone else determine this and dictate it for you - even if it's your significant other or your parents, then that's where problems begin to really occur. If one tries to please too many people and are operating under a misguided conception that they are being "selfless because they love" and "a good noble person about it" whereas it ultimately ends up not satisfying you completely despite the attempts to convince yourself that it is "enough". The expectations for reciprocation are still definitely there, even if they remain unsaid. Instead, by continuing down that path, they already begin to set their roles for the prospective relationship even before it has begun.

Another important point that I felt this article could have highlighted is the question of emotional maturity. If someone is too emotionally immature to understand and appreciate the value of a person who is genuine (NOTE: I said genuine. Not "nice" because it is useless if it requires facades or filters..but genuine in the sense of consistently being upfront and honest - through and through because THIS is what shows confidence and comfort with their own individuality but they don't necessarily have to be an asshole about it). Anyway, back to point.

It's rare for emotionally immature people to ever get to the point where they can truly appreciate someone's worth no matter what you do. Even the 'hard to get' chase games become pointless because you have to fuel the chase which is what they're really buying into and the best it can afford is the desired person's temporary interest in you.

Usually, if the pursuer must have to play tons of games to win someone's affection, then it usually means that the pursuer has to keep up and continue playing those games in order to keep a hold on that affection, or risk losing the desired individual's interest altogether - which is inevitable in most cases. But of course, there are a few exceptions where once the desired individual's interest has been won over, then they have the maturity to realize that the person who pursued them is a keeper and will understand/respect it enough to continue a relationship.

I love the extremities which occur when it comes to both men and women. There are the people who are nice to a fault - who will say yes to everything and dismiss it by convincing themselves that "oh boo hoo, look i gave them everything, and how did they repay me?" as depicting themselves to be "noble, selfless, and good"...well, if they REALLY had done those things out of the goodness of their heart and without expectation - then logically, they would not be so disappointed.

Accept the fact that you have a degree of expectations from people and not everyone can conform to those expectations. What you decide to do with them after this is up to you. It's human. It's normal. It's FINE to have expectations for yourselves. Even a basic thing like 'respect' is also an expectation that you feel you deserve from people. Accept that it is and do not settle for anything less than that or else you will be just lying to yourself about being satisfied. It shows sooner or later.

Then you also get those people who emphasize their assholish side under the notion that this means they have enough confidence to know what they want and will treat everything else like a lesser priority (aka shit). The amusing part is when they try to emphasize their assholish sides to win over the woman's affections.

If someone is a good judge of character, then they will ultimately be able to call out your bluff fairly early on whether its about you being superficially nice or being superficially assholish... because conclusively, if you are not being genuine then you are not being true to yourself, your actions are reflecting that you are not being true to yourself, and you project yourself as being someone that you are not just to attract someone's attention and please them into giving you a chance. Personally, I as an individual and a woman do not respect this trait and nor do I gravitate towards it. I find it untrustworthy, erratic, distasteful and even repulsive. I also notice that these people attract a strange variety of manipulative control freaks who will try their best to mold them into what THEY see as being fit. Not a great thing to go through, but hell, people go with it because it 'eases their lonliness' even if it's at the cost of their own sense of self and peace of mind.

Sure, you may try your luck at fooling people and even get away with it for a bit, but reality sets in inevitably, you will revert back to being who you truly are and sooner or later, this must be both confronted and accepted.

You're eventually gonna be screwed if you deviate away from being yourself. So please people, before anything, just realize your true sense of self, accept what it is that it wants, and adhere to it. Be genuine. If you cannot even be genuine to yourselves, how can you expect others to be genuine to you?

No wonder there are so many failed marriages at this day and age!