So I've been meaning on writing about this for awhile especially due to the myraid of events, during which I've noticed a lot of different changes within myself along with the relationships (professional, friendships, etc) I have had with the people around me but for now, I'll focus more on discussing the latter.
As people who personally know me already know - my initial reaction with most things is to just draw internally, deal with it, and reflect on it which probably means that I'm not going to be as available. Usually by the time I do reconnect with people - I've already made decisions and dealt with it. This is just the way it is and it will probably never change but most of all - it works for me. I don't see it as an unhealthy thing to do because it forces me to pause, pay attention to details, and realize things that I may have missed. Before labeling this unavailability as unhealthy reclusiveness, stop to consider that throughout history - people are encouraged to pause from their daily events to reflect inwardly, and in the process - reconnect with themselves. Infact, you may commonly find this process being referred to as 'meditation'.
Talking about problems with friends has its own benefits because there is always the chance that you will come across insight that is worthy of consideration - but it should never replace your own capacity to confidently make a decision. I also am not averse to discussing matters with my own friends (though usually this takes place in a sequence where I've already got a pretty good idea of how I am going to approach it) or having them discuss things with me. However, it's also just as important to remember that it may not always as accurate. Fact remains that they are not you, they are not in your situation AS you being who you currently are, and most (if not all) of the time, whatever insight anyone other than you offer is based off their own speculation which may or may not be true. Always remember this before you decide on the insight they have offered and how you will let it effect your own decisions regarding the subject discussed. Why am I saying this? Because too often I see people who easily conform to the habit of letting others' dictate decisions which are their own to make and then manifest them into actions.
The adversities you encounter are your own, those decisions - whether they are the right thing to do or end up being mistakes - are your own to make, and they are your OWN lessons to learn. For someone to allow getting themselves into the habit of absolutely having to discuss each and every detail of their life before making a decision that they feel comfortable about acting on is depriving themselves of becoming self sufficient, self connected, and self-assured independent individual without requiring validation from others. At some point, one should aim to be able to review their own situation accurately enough to feel confident about making a decision themselves, and even to be able to distinguish whether that situation is even worthy of excessive worrying or disappointment or if that situation is a petty one that should just be brushed aside.
What I notice around me sometimes is when people get overly reliant upon others to discuss things and when the content of these discussions usually tends to revolve around particularly petty negative occurances in their own lives. I've come across a lot of this myself - and how I am today - once I become aware that this is happening, I will refuse to further encourage it because again...
A) It encourages the insecurity that fuels taking petty instances and allowing them to become negative factors which can then further manifest in the form of negative, possibly destructive actions.
B) Related to point A, it also discourages someone from becoming self sufficient in assessing their own situations, evaluating it, and being able to figure out a solution that they can personally feel confidant about.
I do not agree with the fact that a person is any less of a friend simply because they are not as available (unless they are ALWAYS unavailable and there is a distinct pattern there). I also don't believe a real friend is someone "who's ALWAYS there to listen, give advice, and do things for you". I don't believe a real friend is someone who will encourage dependency or actions bred from insecurity. In my opinion, these kind of relationships are unhealthy in their own manner as they take away the opportunity for personal growth amongst both parties.
It's too bad if a friendship can change so drastically due to someone's unavailablity (particularly if this unavailability has been explained on more than one occassion as being due to them dealing with their own personal matters) and it's particularly disappointing if it compels someone to try to control or guilt trip the unavailable friend through immature means. If any relationship is to change so drastically simply because one member cannot deal with the fact that another is temporarily unavailable. If it compels someone to take a more juvenile approach which consists of guilt tripping the other for not being available (or trying to impose controling the relationship in any other way) as opposed to respecting the other enough to give them the space to resolve whatever it is that they must resolve - then this kind of a relationship would be something that may have to be reconsidered before continuing onward.
As change is the law of life and likewise, all relationships have their ebbs and flows where they grow close and grow apart as each go in their own direction. Over the years, what I've noticed is that unstable imbalanced relationships often come into light during the time spent apart and these have the tendency to suffer greatly or falter over time. They will drive each other away - possibly even for good. However, the stable more balanced relationships will weather the ebbs and flows, embrace the changes in their own way, becoming stronger and more solid as a result. These are the kind that do not need the constant showering of attention or maintenance, they do not place demands, or place guilt, and can be picked up wherever they may be left off. Actually, the best way to sum up this is up the difference between inter-dependent relationships as opposed to co-dependent relationships. If the former also have that special elements of understanding and integrity present, then it has all the makings of what forms a stable relationship. The kinds that can ofen last a lifetime.
I also found this list on another site - many points worth of consideration and I am trying to make myself within this post:
1.) Don’t make assumptions that the changes in your friend are conscious, or that they mean that your friend doesn’t value your relationship. Consider that your friend may have things going on in his or her life that affect behavior.
2.) Let your friend know how you feel about the state of your relationship, as openly and honestly as possible. You might choose to write your thoughts down in a letter, or set aside time with your friend for a heart-to-heart chat. If your friendship is a priority to you, let your friend know that you’re willing to do what it takes to regain your closeness.
3.) As hard as it might be, try not to dwell on the past and play the “blame game.” Instead, focus on changes that the two of you can make in the future to repair the relationship in a healthy way.
4.) Give your friend all the space he or she needs to explore his or her new interests. Just because you’re both into different sports and activities doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of other things that you share, including the history of your relationship!
5.) The most important thing to remember when it comes to our changing relationships is that change is normal— it’s part of being a human. Don’t believe me? Flip through an old photo album and see how different you look now, and try to remember the things that were important to you when each picture was taken. My guess is that you have grown and evolved in more ways than you could have ever imagined.
6.) Embrace and appreciate the changes in ourselves and our friends. If we do this and stay true to ourselves in the process, then we’ll no doubt find ourselves with friendships that can stand the test of time.
As people who personally know me already know - my initial reaction with most things is to just draw internally, deal with it, and reflect on it which probably means that I'm not going to be as available. Usually by the time I do reconnect with people - I've already made decisions and dealt with it. This is just the way it is and it will probably never change but most of all - it works for me. I don't see it as an unhealthy thing to do because it forces me to pause, pay attention to details, and realize things that I may have missed. Before labeling this unavailability as unhealthy reclusiveness, stop to consider that throughout history - people are encouraged to pause from their daily events to reflect inwardly, and in the process - reconnect with themselves. Infact, you may commonly find this process being referred to as 'meditation'.
Talking about problems with friends has its own benefits because there is always the chance that you will come across insight that is worthy of consideration - but it should never replace your own capacity to confidently make a decision. I also am not averse to discussing matters with my own friends (though usually this takes place in a sequence where I've already got a pretty good idea of how I am going to approach it) or having them discuss things with me. However, it's also just as important to remember that it may not always as accurate. Fact remains that they are not you, they are not in your situation AS you being who you currently are, and most (if not all) of the time, whatever insight anyone other than you offer is based off their own speculation which may or may not be true. Always remember this before you decide on the insight they have offered and how you will let it effect your own decisions regarding the subject discussed. Why am I saying this? Because too often I see people who easily conform to the habit of letting others' dictate decisions which are their own to make and then manifest them into actions.
The adversities you encounter are your own, those decisions - whether they are the right thing to do or end up being mistakes - are your own to make, and they are your OWN lessons to learn. For someone to allow getting themselves into the habit of absolutely having to discuss each and every detail of their life before making a decision that they feel comfortable about acting on is depriving themselves of becoming self sufficient, self connected, and self-assured independent individual without requiring validation from others. At some point, one should aim to be able to review their own situation accurately enough to feel confident about making a decision themselves, and even to be able to distinguish whether that situation is even worthy of excessive worrying or disappointment or if that situation is a petty one that should just be brushed aside.
What I notice around me sometimes is when people get overly reliant upon others to discuss things and when the content of these discussions usually tends to revolve around particularly petty negative occurances in their own lives. I've come across a lot of this myself - and how I am today - once I become aware that this is happening, I will refuse to further encourage it because again...
A) It encourages the insecurity that fuels taking petty instances and allowing them to become negative factors which can then further manifest in the form of negative, possibly destructive actions.
B) Related to point A, it also discourages someone from becoming self sufficient in assessing their own situations, evaluating it, and being able to figure out a solution that they can personally feel confidant about.
I do not agree with the fact that a person is any less of a friend simply because they are not as available (unless they are ALWAYS unavailable and there is a distinct pattern there). I also don't believe a real friend is someone "who's ALWAYS there to listen, give advice, and do things for you". I don't believe a real friend is someone who will encourage dependency or actions bred from insecurity. In my opinion, these kind of relationships are unhealthy in their own manner as they take away the opportunity for personal growth amongst both parties.
It's too bad if a friendship can change so drastically due to someone's unavailablity (particularly if this unavailability has been explained on more than one occassion as being due to them dealing with their own personal matters) and it's particularly disappointing if it compels someone to try to control or guilt trip the unavailable friend through immature means. If any relationship is to change so drastically simply because one member cannot deal with the fact that another is temporarily unavailable. If it compels someone to take a more juvenile approach which consists of guilt tripping the other for not being available (or trying to impose controling the relationship in any other way) as opposed to respecting the other enough to give them the space to resolve whatever it is that they must resolve - then this kind of a relationship would be something that may have to be reconsidered before continuing onward.
As change is the law of life and likewise, all relationships have their ebbs and flows where they grow close and grow apart as each go in their own direction. Over the years, what I've noticed is that unstable imbalanced relationships often come into light during the time spent apart and these have the tendency to suffer greatly or falter over time. They will drive each other away - possibly even for good. However, the stable more balanced relationships will weather the ebbs and flows, embrace the changes in their own way, becoming stronger and more solid as a result. These are the kind that do not need the constant showering of attention or maintenance, they do not place demands, or place guilt, and can be picked up wherever they may be left off. Actually, the best way to sum up this is up the difference between inter-dependent relationships as opposed to co-dependent relationships. If the former also have that special elements of understanding and integrity present, then it has all the makings of what forms a stable relationship. The kinds that can ofen last a lifetime.
I also found this list on another site - many points worth of consideration and I am trying to make myself within this post:
1.) Don’t make assumptions that the changes in your friend are conscious, or that they mean that your friend doesn’t value your relationship. Consider that your friend may have things going on in his or her life that affect behavior.
2.) Let your friend know how you feel about the state of your relationship, as openly and honestly as possible. You might choose to write your thoughts down in a letter, or set aside time with your friend for a heart-to-heart chat. If your friendship is a priority to you, let your friend know that you’re willing to do what it takes to regain your closeness.
3.) As hard as it might be, try not to dwell on the past and play the “blame game.” Instead, focus on changes that the two of you can make in the future to repair the relationship in a healthy way.
4.) Give your friend all the space he or she needs to explore his or her new interests. Just because you’re both into different sports and activities doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of other things that you share, including the history of your relationship!
5.) The most important thing to remember when it comes to our changing relationships is that change is normal— it’s part of being a human. Don’t believe me? Flip through an old photo album and see how different you look now, and try to remember the things that were important to you when each picture was taken. My guess is that you have grown and evolved in more ways than you could have ever imagined.
6.) Embrace and appreciate the changes in ourselves and our friends. If we do this and stay true to ourselves in the process, then we’ll no doubt find ourselves with friendships that can stand the test of time.
